Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.