Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
i smell a pulitzer
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.