Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.