I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie