HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS