Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.