Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
You Might Also Like
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
#winning
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone