if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
They got a point!
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.