Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”