I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
This classic never gets old . . .
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Go girl power!
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand