Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
This is a bad sign
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.