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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
bugs when you lift up a rock
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context