Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
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Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Cats are still liquid.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
girls literally only want one thing..
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.