Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
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83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing