(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
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I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper