Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
You Might Also Like
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.