While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
You Might Also Like
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I saw nothing