Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
@ candidates for local office
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.