How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan