me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.