can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red