I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
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First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out