*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
There’s only one good girl here!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life