Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits