“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Close call…
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson