Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997