“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
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Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I need to get some bricks…
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Ovenable?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
💯😂
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.