You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.