I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
the three branches of government
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Social Media and Real life
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.