{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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Me: Same
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.