Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?