MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”