Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father