I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I’m having an out of money experience.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler