When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
the best thing i’ve ever made
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
HERE’S MARKY
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.