If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Thursday Thought.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges