Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
quarantine day 3
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA