HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
You Might Also Like
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Cha-ching is my safe word
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
then why did i get this email
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.