Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
You Might Also Like
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper