My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
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Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.