[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”