*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
o shit
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
God, I love Scotland
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?