COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
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Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
What
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”