Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently Iβm 8 years old.π€¦π»ββοΈπ
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Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was βjust not tiredβ.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Canβt sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Canβt sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Canβt sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Canβt sleep sealed up in your friendβs catacombs.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means youβre an overachiever.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Google:
βNever run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.βMe:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My wifeβs filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series βThe Banana Face Lady and the Martian Manβ to my 4th grade class.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say βoh ffs, what now?β Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: βthatβs cleanβ
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Iβd never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art dΓ©cor!