My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
constantly working on myself.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
my retirement plan is braless
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.