Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
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4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*