11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
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At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
and this one
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.