Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
You Might Also Like
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Oh boy, $150,000!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.