me when i see my girls butt
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear