Saturday
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!